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11.12.2010

He Said / She Said











He said... Why do you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you've succeeded.

He said... "Two inches more, and I would be king."
She said..."Two inches less, and you'd be queen."

On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "

Priest... "I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband."
She said..."Who's gonna look?"

He said... "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said... "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."

He said... "Let's go out and have some fun tonight."
She said..."Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."

He said... "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She said... "I would, but you're never there."

11.06.2010

Mens Brains...Womens Brains

What Men Are Really Thinking...

*  Crying is blackmail.
*  Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
*  Don't cut your hair. Ever.
*  Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
*  Get rid of your cat.
*  Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
*  Anything you wear is fine. Really.
*  Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
*  You have too many shoes.
*  If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
*  Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
*  Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
*  Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss          
    sometimes.
*  Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
*  A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
*  Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
*  Sunday was made for Sports .
*  If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
*  If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we
    meant the other one.
*  Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
*  Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
*  You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
*  Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having thier boobs   
    stared at
*  You have enough clothes.
*  Nothing says "I love you" like sex.

10.31.2010

Worst Celebrity Boyfriends EVER!

They are young, rich and incredibly beautiful.  Why would they end up with such crappy men? Here’s a short list (of a very long one) of girls who picked the worst possible boyfriends.

Sienna Miller & Balthazar Getty
Apart from being a bad boyfriend, Balthazar Getty seems to be a plain bad human being. Balthy ran off with ultimate home wrecker Sienna Miller, leaving his wife and four (!) young children behind to be photographed, again and again, holding Sienna’s naked naughty bits in front of droves of reporters. Nice one. What a complete and utter tool! Hmm, what goes around comes around...


Hmm, what goes around comes around...

Halle Berry & Eric Bennet
Berry’s ex Eric Benet cheated on her over and over and over. Imagine that. Cheating on Halle?! You idiot! Didn’t you see that Bond movie? To top things off, Eric himself claims he ‘only cheated to save the marriage’. Soooo, how’s that working for ya Eric?


Anne Hathaway & Raffaello Follieri
Thought she found amore with Italian millionaire hunk Raffaello Follieri. Alas, he turned out to be a fraud, even using a picture of himself and the pope to get people to give him loads of cash. Baffling... it actually worked! This bad boy is doing time and  thankfully Anne has moved on. Best to watch your wallet!


Britney Spears and  Kfed
Ah. Brittany. Poor Brittany.  She even married Kevin Federline, a guy who was in it for her fame and who somehow managed to come out looking like the more respectable parent of the two. Ai! That’s a bad, bad boyfriend.


Scary Spice and Eddie Murphy and...
Scary Mel B. dated and quickly fell pregnant by the not so great Eddy Murphy. The Beverly Hills Cop denied point blank until a paternity test (how embarrassing!) proved Scary’d been right all along and he was the father of their daughter. He has still refused to even see the little girl. Jerk!


...Posh Spice and Corey Haim
The sins of our youth will keep haunting us forever! Posh’ Ex boyfriend Corey Haim did a kiss-and-tell story on Posh, years and years after they split up. Now we all know Posh is a bad kisser….
Now that’s pretty bad, but I saved the best/worst for last!


Lady Di and James Hewitt
Absolutely, undeniably, no contest, worst boyfriend ever: Di’s ex James Hewitt told the world in a documentary all about his affair with Lady Di. I guess at least he had the courtesy to say that she was a good lover. So I suppose Di has that small advantage over Posh. However, Hewitt then went on to sell her love letters to the highest bidder.


What kind of a jerk does that? Well, a greedy one apparently. I hope there’s a special circle of hell for jerks like these. There probably is….

Author: Liz

10.13.2010

ADVICE TO PASS ON TO YOUR DAUGHTER

The Womans Compact Instruction Book


Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the
house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them
all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make
some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have
bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means
you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."


...and now

MEN FIGHT BACK


(Well, the time has come to Men to Fight Back with their own list.)

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able
to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the stove.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog... he shuts up after you let him in.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%... Wedding cake.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said,
"Dust."

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and
rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has
rested!

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state
troopers and a dog.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until
I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

by "aha! jokes and ponderings"

9.29.2010

303 Celebrity Name Changes ::

50 Cent/ Curtis Jackson
Ahmad Rashad/ Bobby Moore
Al Jolson/ Asa Yoelson
Alan Alda/ Alphonso D'Abruzzo
Albert Brooks/ Albert Einstein
Alice Cooper/ Vincent Furnier
Alicia Keys/ Alicia Augello Cook
Andre the Giant/ André René Roussimoff
Andre Norton/ Mary Alice Norton
Andrew "Dice" Clay/ Andrew Silverstein
Angelina Jolie/ Angelina Jolie Voight
Angie Dickenson/ Angeline Brown
Anna Nicole Smith Vickie Lynn Hogan
Anne Bancroft/ Anna Maria Italiano
Ashton Kutcher/ Christopher Ashton Kutcher
Axl Rose/ William Bailey
B.B. King/ Riley B. King
Babyface/ Kenneth Edmonds
Barbara/ Eden Barbara Huffman
Barbara Hershey/ Barbara Herzstine
Barbara Stanwyck/ Ruby Stevens
Barry Manilow/ Barry Alan Pincus
Beatrice Arthur/ Bernice Frankel
Beau Bridges Lloyd/ Vernet Bridges III
Bela Lugosi/ Bela Ferenc Blasko
Ben Kingsley/ Krishna Banji
Bernadette Peters/ Bernadette Lazzaro
Bing Crosby/ Harry Lillis Crosby
Billie Holiday/ Eleanora Fagan
Billy Idol/ William Broad
Bjork Bjork/ Gudmundsdottir
Bo Derek Mary/ Cathleen Collins
Bo Diddley/ Elias Bates
Bob Dylan/ Robert Zimmerman
Bob Hope/ Leslie Townes Hope
Bobby Darin/ Walden Robert Cassotto
Bono/ (Vox) Paul Hewson
Boris Karloff/ William Henry Pratt
Lil' Bow Wow/ Shad Gregory Moss
Boy George/ George Alan O'Dowd
Bozo the Clown/ Larry Harmon
Brandy/ Brandy Rayana Norwood
Bruce Lee/ Lee Yuen Kam
Busby Berkeley/ Welliam Berkeley Enos
Busta Rhymes/ Trevor Smith
Buster Keaton/ Joseph Frank Keaton
Carl Malden/ Mladen George Sekulovich
Carrot Top/ Scott Thompson
Cary Grant/ Archibald Alexander Leach
Casey Kasem/ Kemal Amin Kasim
Chad Everett/ Raymond Crampton
Chaka Khan/ Yvette Stevens
Charles Bronson/ Charles Buchinski
Charlie Sheen/ Carlos Irwin Estevez
Charo María del Rosario/ Pilar Martínez Molina Baeza de Rasten
Cher/ Cherilyn Sarkisian
Cheryl Ladd/ Cheryl Stoppelmoor
Chipper Jones/ Larry Wayne Jones
Chubby Checker/ Ernest Evans
Chuck Norris/ Carlos Ray
Ciara/ Ciara Princess Harris
Claudette Colbert/ Lily Chauchoin
Clay Aiken Clayton/ Holmes Grissom
Connie Stevens/ Concetta Ingolia
Conway Twitty/ Harold Lloyd Jenkins
Count Basie/ William Basie
Criss Angel/ Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos
Crystal Gayle/ Brenda Gayle Webb
Cyd Charisse/ Tula Finklea
Daddy Yankee/ Raymond Ayala
Dale Evans/ Frances Octavia Smith
Danny DiVito/ Daniel Michaeli
Danny Kaye/ David Kaminsky
Danny Thomas/ Muzyad Yakhoob
David Bowie/ David Robert Jones
David Copperfield/ David Kotkin
Dean Martin/ Dino Crocetti
Della Reese/ Delloreese Patricia Early
Demi Moore/ Demetria Guynes
Diane Keaton/ Diane Hall
Dido/  Florian Cloud De Bounevialle Armstrong
Diahann Carroll/ Carol Diahann Johnson
DMX/ Earl Simmons
Don Johnson/ Don Wayne
Donna Reed/ Donna Belle Mullenger
Donna Summer/ La Donna Gaines
Doris Day/ Doris von Kappelhoff
Dorothy Lamour/ Mary Kaumeyer
Eddie Albert/ Edward Albert Heimberger
Edie Adams/ Elizabeth Edith Enke
Edward G Robinson/ Emmanuel Goldenberg
Elle MacPherson/ Elenor Gow
Ellen Burstyn/ Edna Gilhooley
Elton John/ Reginald Kenneth Dwight
Elvira/ Cassandra Peterson
Elvis Costello/ Declan McManus
Ethel Merman/ Ethel Zimmerman
Eminem/ Marshall Bruce Mathers III
Engelbert Humperdinck/ Gerry Dorsey
Enya Eithne/ Ni Bhraonian
Erykah Badu/ Erica Wright
Esteban/ Stephen Paul
Eve Arden/ Eunice Quedens
Fabio/ Fabio Lanzoni
Faith Hill/ Audrey Faith Perry McGraw
Fanny Brice/ Fanny Borach
Fatboy Slim/ Quentin Norman Cook
Fergie/ Stacey Ann Ferguson
FrankieValli/ Frank Castelluccio
Flavor Flav/ William Johnathon Drayton Jr.
Fred Allen/ John Sullivan
Fred Astaire/ Frederick Austerlitz
Gene Barry/ Eugene Klass
Gene Simmons/ Chaim Witz
Gene Wilder/ Jerome Silberman
George Burns/ Nathan Birnbaum
George Michael/ Georgios Panayiotou
Gisele/ Gisele Caroline Bündchen
The Great Khali/ Dalip Singh Rana
Greta Garbo/ Greta Gustafsson
Harry Houdini/ Ehrich Weiss
Harry Morgan/ Harry Bratsburg
Howard Cosell/ Howard Cohen
Huey Lewis/ Hugh Cregg
Hulk Hogan/ Terry Gene Bollea
Ice Cube/ O'Shea Jackson
Ice-T/ Tracy Morrow
Irving Berlin/ Israel Baline
Jack Benny/ Benjamin Kubelsky
Jack Black/ Thomas J. Black
Jack Lord/ John Joseph Ryan
Jack Palance/ Walter Palanuik
Jackie Chan/ Chan Kwong-Sung
Jamie Farr/ Jameel Joseph Farah
Jamie Foxx/ Eric Bishop
James Garner/ James Bumgarner
Jason Alexander/ Jay Greenspan
Jane Seymour/ Joyce Frankenberg
Jayne Mansfield/ Vera Jane Palmer
Jay-Z/ Shawn Carter
Jean Arthur/ Gladys Greene
Jerry Lewis/ Joseph Levitch
Joan Crawford/ Lucille Le Sueur
Joan Rivers/ Joan Sandra Molinsky
Jody Foster/ Alicia Christian Foster
Joey Bishop/ Joseph Gottlieb
John Bon Jovi/ John Francis Bongiovi
John Denver/ Henry John Deutschendorf Jr.
John Wayne/ Marion Morrison
Johnnie Ray/ John Alvin
Johnny Bench/ Johnny Lee
Johnny Rotten/ John Lydon
Judy Garland/ Frances Gumm
Julie Andrews/ Julia Wells
June Allyson/ Ella Geisman
Kaká Ricardo/ Izecson dos Santos Leite
Kane (WWE)/ Glen Jacobs
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar/ Ferdinand Lewis Alcindor, Jr.
Karl Malden/ Mladen Sekulovich
Kathy Lee Gifford/ Kathie Epstein
Kid Rock/ Robert James Ritchie
Kirk Douglas/ Issur Danielovitch
Lady Gaga/ Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta
Larry King/ Larry Ziegler
Lauren Bacall/ Betty Joan Perske
Lee J. Cobb/ Leo Jacoby
Lee Majors/ Harvey Lee Yeary II
Lil Kim/ Kimberly Denise Jones
Lil Romeo/ Percy Romeo Miller Jr.
LL Cool J/ James Todd Smith III
Lord Byron/ George Gordon Byron
Lou Costello/ Louis Cristillo
Ludacris/ Christopher Brian Bridges
Madonna/ Madonna Louisse Ciccone
Maria Callas/ Maria Kalogeropoulos
Marilyn Manson/ Brian Warner
Marilyn Monroe/ Norma Jean (Mortenson) Baker
Mark Anthony/ Marco Antonio Muñiz
Mark Twain/ Samuel Longhorne Clemens
Martha Stewart/ Martha Kostyra
Martin Sheen/ Ramon Estevez
Mario/ Mario Dewar Barrett
Master P/ Percy Robert Miller
Mary Pickford/ Gladys Smith
MC Hammer/ Stanley Kirk Burrell
Meatloaf/ Marvin Lee Aday
Mel Brooks/ Melvin Kaminsky
Melvyn Douglas/ Melvyn Hesselberg
Michael Caine/ Maurice Micklewhite
Michael Crawford/ Michael Dumble-Smith
Michael Keaton/ Michael Douglas
Michael Landon/ Eugene Maurice Orowitz
Mickey Rooney/ Joe Yule Jr.
Miley Cirus/ Destiny Hope Cyrus
Milton Burle/ Milton Burlinger
Morgan Fairchild/ Patsy McClenny
Mr.T/ Lawrence Tero
Muddy Waters/ McKinley Morganfield
Muhammad Ali/ Cassius Marcellus Clay, Jr.
Nat King Cole/ Nathaniel Adams Coles
Natalie Portman/ Natalie Hershlag
Nastassja Kinski/ Natassja Naksyznyski
Natalie Wood/ Natasha Gurdin
Nelly Cornell/ Haynes, Jr.
Nicolas Cage/ Nicholas Coppola
Nicole Ritchie/ Nicole Camilla Escovedo
Nostradamus/ Michel de Nostredame
Notorious B.I.G./ Christopher Wallace
Omar Sharif/ Michael Shalhoub
Pat Benatar/ Patricia Andrejewski
Patsy Cline/ Virginia Patterson Hensley
Pee Wee Herman/ Paul Reubenfeld
Pelé Edson/ Arantes Do Nascimento
Penn (& Teller)/ Penn Fraser Jillette
Perez Hilton/ Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr
Peter Coyote/ Peter Cohon
Peter Lorre/ Laszio Lowenstein
Phyllis Diller/ Phyllis Driver
Pink/ Alecia Moore
Portia De Rossi/ Amanda Lee Rogers
Prince/ Prince Rogers Nelson
Puff Daddy (Diddy)/ Sean John Combs
Queen Latifah/ Dana Elaine Owens
Randy Travis/ Randy Traywick
Raquel Welch/ Raquel Tejada
Ray Charles/ Ray Charles Robinson
Reese Witherspoon/ Laura Jean Reese Witherspoon
Red Buttons/ Aaron Chwatt
Richard Burton/ Richard Jenkins
Rihanna Robyn/ Rihanna Fenty
Ringo Starr/ Richard Starky
Rip Torn/ Elmore Rual Torn Jr.
Rita Hayworth/ Margarita Cansino
Rita Moreno/ Rosita Alverio
Robert Blake/ Michael Gubitosi
Robert Conrad/ Conrad Robert Falk
Robert Stack/ Robert Modini
Rock Hudson/ Roy Scherer Jr.
Rodney Dangerfield/ Jacob Cohen
Ron Ely/ Ronald Pierce
Roy Rogers/ Leonard Franklin Sly
Rudolph Valentino/ Rudolpho D'Antonguolla
Sally Field/ Sally Mahoney
Sandra Dee/ Alexandria Zuck
Shaggy Orville/ Richard Burrell
Shakira/ Shakira Isabel Mebarak Ripoll
Shania Twain/ Eileen Regina Edwards
Sheena Easton/ Sheena Shirley Orr
Skeet Ulrich/ Bryan Ray Ulrich
Sheila E/ Sheila Escovedo
Shelley Winters/ Shirley Schrift
Sinbad/ David Atkins
Slash (Guns 'n Roses)/ Saul Hudson
Stephanie Powers/ Stefania Federkiewicz
Shirley MacLaine/ Shirley Beaty
Sid Vicious/ John Simon Ritchie
Slim Pickens/ Louis Lindley
Snoop Dogg/ Cordazer Calvin Broadus
Sophia Loren/ Sophia Scicoloni
Sophie Tucker/ Sophia Kalish
Stan Laurel/ Arthur Jefferson
Steve-O/ Stephen Gilchrist Glover
Steve Lawrence/ Sidney Liebowitz
Stevie Wonder/ Steveland Judkins
Sting/ Gordon Sumner
Susan Surandon/ Susan Tomaling
Suzanne Somers/ Suzanne Mahoney
Talia Shire/ Talia Coppola
Ted Danson/ Edward Bridge Danson III
Teller (Penn & ...)/ Raymond Joseph Teller
The Big Bopper/ Jiles Perry "J.P." Richardson
The Rock/ Dwayne Johnson
Tiger Woods/ Eldrick Woods
Tim McGraw/ Samuel Timothy Smith
Tina Turner/ Annie Mae Bullock
Tiny Tim/ Herbert Buckingham Khaury
Tom Cruise/ Thomas Mapother IV
Tom Jones/ Thomas Woodward
Tony Bennett/ Anthony Benedetto
Tony Curtis/ Bernard Schwartz
Tony Danza/ Anthony Salvatore Iadanza
Tony Randall/ Leonard Rosenberg
Tori Amos/ Myra Ellen Amos
Tre Cool (Green Day)/ Frank Edwin Wright III
Triple H (HHH)/ Paul Michael Levesque
Twiggy/ Leslie Hornby
Undertaker/ Mark Calloway
Usher/ Usher Raymond IV
Veronica Lake/ Constance Ockleman
Vic Damone/ Vito Farinola
Vikki Carr/ Florencia Casillas
Vin Diesel/ Mark Vincent
Victor Borge/ Borge Rosenbaum
W.C. Fields/ William Claude Dukenfield
Walter Matthau/ Walter Matuschanskayasky
Whoopie Goldberg/ Caryn Johnson
Winona Ryder/ Winona Laura Horowitz
Woody Allen/ Allen Konigsberg
Wynonna Judd/ Christina Ciminella
Yves St. Laurent/ Henri Donat Mathieu
Yvonne De Carlo/ Peggy Middleton

9.20.2010

The Survey Says...

A husband, trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men showed her a study.  The study indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000.

His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that of course women use twice as many words. They have to repeat everything they say.

Man vs Woman...No, We Are Not Alike


[source unknown]

NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike. You already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged::


Relationships:
•When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends. She will write a poem titled "Men Are Idiots", then get on with her life.

•A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call  and say, "you ruined my life, you're a floozy,  and I want you to know there’s always a chance for us".

Maturity:
•Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.

•Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats:
•Women look good in hats
•Men look silly.

Comedy:
•Let’s say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man’s favorite stooge.

•The women will roll their eyes and groan...

Handwriting:
•To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

•Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i’s" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p’s" and "g’s". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
•A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

•The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
•A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.

•A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:
•When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.

•When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup…

Shoes:
•When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.

•A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Cats:
•Most women love cats.
•Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors:
•Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

•Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head.

Garages:
•Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

•Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies:
•For women, a favorite midnight movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind".

•For men, it’s Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark’s face in "Public Enemy".

Jewelry:
•Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

•A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that’s it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:
•When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies in each individual.

•Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
•Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

•A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:•A man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, that must hurt."

•The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Directions:
•If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.

•Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there", and, "I know I’m in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store".

Admitting Mistakes:
•Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
•The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Offspring:
•Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

•A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:
•A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

•A man will dress up for weddings/ funerals.

David Letterman:
•Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on ever.

•Women think he is a mean, dorky guy with a bad haircut.

Cameras:
•Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.

•Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always take the better picture.

Politics:
•Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as vote.

•Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Laundry:
•Women do laundry every couple of days.

•A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:
•When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
•Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Socks:
•Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

•Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Toys:
•Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest and become interested in socializing and the opposite sex.

•Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. For example,  men’s toys are miniature TV’s, car and motorcycles, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers and electronics, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

Plants:
•A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. He has no idea how this happened.

 Men do not own houseplants.
Mustaches:
•Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

•There are no women who look good with mustaches.

Nicknames:
•With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

•Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a few drinks, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

9.06.2010

A Letter to God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read ::

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read ::

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna

=) hehe

8.25.2010

A Marriage Proposal From the Times of India

Actual letter written in responce to an advertisement in the "Times of India".   Hilarious!


Madam:
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore .

Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. Am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. Fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon
Yours and only yours...

Why Men Don't Answer Advice Columns::















Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. To make matters worse, he was asked to leave his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

*********************************************************************************

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have your air filters cleaned or replaced.
I hope this helps with your problem.

Walter

8.20.2010

Revising 60s Hits ::



















Artists of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate 50-something baby boomers. These include:

Bobby Darin:
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Herman's Hermits:
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr:
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees:
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Roberta Flack:
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash:
I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon:
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores:
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye:
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

Procol Harem:
A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer:
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations:
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba:
Denture Queen

Tony Orlando:
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy:
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore:
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And last but not least...

Willie Nelson:
On the Commode Again

8.12.2010


Countdown:: Top Ten Teeny Weenies

10. Daniel Craig. Could the suave and sexy James Bond be, God forbid, small? Maybe. Daniel Craig used penis doubles for his sex scenes in Casino Royale. Something to hide, Mr. Craig?

9. Howard Stern. The self-professed King of all Media insists he's got a borderline micro-penis; which if you look it up, is actually the size of a large clitoris. Ew.

8. Fred Durst. When a sex tape got out that showed the Limp Bizkit singer's alleged shortcomings, Durst sued Gawker Media. Stat.

7. Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's not small, per se, but he does put to rest the rumor the bodybuilders are more well-hung than common folk. The Gov once said: "You can't make it bigger through exercise, that's for sure." Obviously, he's tried.

6. Ashton Kutcher. When Kutcher started dating Demi Moore, his ex, Brittany Murphy speculated, "To him, age doesn't matter, and to her, size doesn't."  Just bitter? Or telling the truth?

5. Eminem. The rapper's got a big head, but that's about it. Ex-wife Kim said Em wasn't well-endowed and, further, that he sucked in bed.

4. Dustin Diamond. Is anyone really surprised Screech used a stunt penis?

3. Daniel Radcliffe. When the Harry Potter star appeared naked on stage in 'Equus,' his penis shrank 'to the size of a hamster.' God knows what it looked like before.

2. Danny Bonaduce. The washed-up child star sports a d*ck the size of a baby gnat. And yet that hasn't stopped him from dropping trou. Over and over again.

1. Napoleon. The Little General, indeed. Supposedly, the general of France's penis was chopped off and, like the rest of him, boy, was it small.

enough said...


Lemondrop: By Andrea Zimmerman

8.07.2010



                                    
                                        Well this makes cooking dinner a little more challenging...

8.06.2010

Colorado Girls Know How To Spell Girls:)

I love Katie Perry's "California Gurls" but this was pretty damn funny from a Colorado girls point of view...!




"Colorado Girls" was written, directed and performed by Lauren Brady, Ian Rice and Josh Greenwood and friends.

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