The Womans Compact Instruction Book
Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the
house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make
some woman miserable.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".
Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have
bothered to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means
you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
MEN FIGHT BACK
(Well, the time has come to Men to Fight Back with their own list.)
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able
to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the stove.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog... he shuts up after you let him in.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%... Wedding cake.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said,
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and
rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state
troopers and a dog.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until
I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
by "aha! jokes and ponderings"