Host Announces The Wrong Winner on Australias Next Top Model::

Amazing Little Girls:: If You Missed These...

The Survey Says...

A husband, trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men showed her a study.  The study indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000.

His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that of course women use twice as many words. They have to repeat everything they say.

Man vs Woman...No, We Are Not Alike

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NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike. You already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged::

Relationships:

•When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends. She will write a poem titled "Men Are Idiots", then get on with her life.

•A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call  and say, "you ruined my life, you're a floozy,  and I want you to know there’s always a chance for us".

Maturity:
•Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.

•Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats:
•Women look good in hats
•Men look silly.

Comedy:
•Let’s say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man’s favorite stooge.

•The women will roll their eyes and groan...

Handwriting:
•To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

•Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i’s" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p’s" and "g’s". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
•A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

•The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
•A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.

•A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:
•When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.

•When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup…

Shoes:
•When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.

•A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Cats:
•Most women love cats.
•Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors:
•Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

•Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head.

Garages:
•Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

•Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies:
•For women, a favorite midnight movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind".

•For men, it’s Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark’s face in "Public Enemy".

Jewelry:
•Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

•A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that’s it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:
•When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies in each individual.

•Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
•Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

•A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:•A man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, that must hurt."

•The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Directions:
•If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.

•Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there", and, "I know I’m in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store".

Admitting Mistakes:
•Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
•The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Offspring:
•Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

•A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:
•A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

•A man will dress up for weddings/ funerals.

David Letterman:
•Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on ever.

•Women think he is a mean, dorky guy with a bad haircut.

Cameras:
•Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.

•Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always take the better picture.

Politics:
•Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as vote.

•Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Laundry:
•Women do laundry every couple of days.

•A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:
•When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
•Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Socks:
•Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

•Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Toys:
•Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest and become interested in socializing and the opposite sex.

•Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. For example,  men’s toys are miniature TV’s, car and motorcycles, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers and electronics, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

Plants:
•A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. He has no idea how this happened.

 Men do not own houseplants.
Mustaches:

•Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

•There are no women who look good with mustaches.

Nicknames:

•With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

•Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a few drinks, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

A Letter to God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read ::

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read ::

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

=) hehe

A Marriage Proposal From the Times of India

Actual letter written in responce to an advertisement in the "Times of India".   Hilarious!


Madam:
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore .

Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. Am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. Fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon
Yours and only yours...

Why Men Don't Answer Advice Columns::

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. To make matters worse, he was asked to leave his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

*********************************************************************************

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have your air filters cleaned or replaced.
I hope this helps with your problem.

Walter

Revising 60s Hits ::

Artists of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate 50-something baby boomers. These include:

Bobby Darin:
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Herman's Hermits:
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr:
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees:
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Roberta Flack:
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash:
I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon:
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores:
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye:
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

Procol Harem:
A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer:
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations:
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba:
Denture Queen

Tony Orlando:
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy:
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore:
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And last but not least...

Willie Nelson:
On the Commode Again

Women like silent men. We think they’re listening...

Countdown:: Top Ten Teeny Weenies

10. Daniel Craig. Could the suave and sexy James Bond be, God forbid, small? Maybe. Daniel Craig used penis doubles for his sex scenes in Casino Royale. Something to hide, Mr. Craig?

9. Howard Stern. The self-professed King of all Media insists he's got a borderline micro-penis; which if you look it up, is actually the size of a large clitoris. Ew.

8. Fred Durst. When a sex tape got out that showed the Limp Bizkit singer's alleged shortcomings, Durst sued Gawker Media. Stat.

7. Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's not small, per se, but he does put to rest the rumor the bodybuilders are more well-hung than common folk. The Gov once said: "You can't make it bigger through exercise, that's for sure." Obviously, he's tried.

6. Ashton Kutcher. When Kutcher started dating Demi Moore, his ex, Brittany Murphy speculated, "To him, age doesn't matter, and to her, size doesn't."  Just bitter? Or telling the truth?

5. Eminem. The rapper's got a big head, but that's about it. Ex-wife Kim said Em wasn't well-endowed and, further, that he sucked in bed.

4. Dustin Diamond. Is anyone really surprised Screech used a stunt penis?

3. Daniel Radcliffe. When the Harry Potter star appeared naked on stage in 'Equus,' his penis shrank 'to the size of a hamster.' God knows what it looked like before.

2. Danny Bonaduce. The washed-up child star sports a d*ck the size of a baby gnat. And yet that hasn't stopped him from dropping trou. Over and over again.

1. Napoleon. The Little General, indeed. Supposedly, the general of France's penis was chopped off and, like the rest of him, boy, was it small.

enough said...


Lemondrop: By Andrea Zimmerman