Man vs Woman...No, We Are Not Alike

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NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike. You already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged::

Relationships:

•When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends. She will write a poem titled "Men Are Idiots", then get on with her life.

•A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call  and say, "you ruined my life, you're a floozy,  and I want you to know there’s always a chance for us".

Maturity:
•Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.

•Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats:
•Women look good in hats
•Men look silly.

Comedy:
•Let’s say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man’s favorite stooge.

•The women will roll their eyes and groan...

Handwriting:
•To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

•Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i’s" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p’s" and "g’s". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
•A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

•The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
•A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.

•A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:
•When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.

•When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup…

Shoes:
•When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.

•A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Cats:
•Most women love cats.
•Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors:
•Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

•Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head.

Garages:
•Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

•Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies:
•For women, a favorite midnight movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind".

•For men, it’s Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark’s face in "Public Enemy".

Jewelry:
•Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

•A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that’s it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:
•When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies in each individual.

•Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
•Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

•A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:•A man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, that must hurt."

•The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Directions:
•If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.

•Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there", and, "I know I’m in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store".

Admitting Mistakes:
•Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
•The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Offspring:
•Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

•A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:
•A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

•A man will dress up for weddings/ funerals.

David Letterman:
•Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on ever.

•Women think he is a mean, dorky guy with a bad haircut.

Cameras:
•Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.

•Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always take the better picture.

Politics:
•Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as vote.

•Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Laundry:
•Women do laundry every couple of days.

•A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:
•When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
•Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Socks:
•Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

•Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Toys:
•Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest and become interested in socializing and the opposite sex.

•Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. For example,  men’s toys are miniature TV’s, car and motorcycles, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers and electronics, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

Plants:
•A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. He has no idea how this happened.

 Men do not own houseplants.
Mustaches:

•Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

•There are no women who look good with mustaches.

Nicknames:

•With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

•Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a few drinks, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.