A Letter to God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read ::

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read ::

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

=) hehe

A Marriage Proposal From the Times of India

Actual letter written in responce to an advertisement in the "Times of India".   Hilarious!


Madam:
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore .

Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. Am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. Fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon
Yours and only yours...

Why Men Don't Answer Advice Columns::

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. To make matters worse, he was asked to leave his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

*********************************************************************************

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have your air filters cleaned or replaced.
I hope this helps with your problem.

Walter

Revising 60s Hits ::

Artists of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate 50-something baby boomers. These include:

Bobby Darin:
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Herman's Hermits:
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr:
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees:
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Roberta Flack:
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash:
I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon:
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores:
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye:
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

Procol Harem:
A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer:
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations:
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba:
Denture Queen

Tony Orlando:
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy:
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore:
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And last but not least...

Willie Nelson:
On the Commode Again

Women like silent men. We think they’re listening...

Countdown:: Top Ten Teeny Weenies

10. Daniel Craig. Could the suave and sexy James Bond be, God forbid, small? Maybe. Daniel Craig used penis doubles for his sex scenes in Casino Royale. Something to hide, Mr. Craig?

9. Howard Stern. The self-professed King of all Media insists he's got a borderline micro-penis; which if you look it up, is actually the size of a large clitoris. Ew.

8. Fred Durst. When a sex tape got out that showed the Limp Bizkit singer's alleged shortcomings, Durst sued Gawker Media. Stat.

7. Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's not small, per se, but he does put to rest the rumor the bodybuilders are more well-hung than common folk. The Gov once said: "You can't make it bigger through exercise, that's for sure." Obviously, he's tried.

6. Ashton Kutcher. When Kutcher started dating Demi Moore, his ex, Brittany Murphy speculated, "To him, age doesn't matter, and to her, size doesn't."  Just bitter? Or telling the truth?

5. Eminem. The rapper's got a big head, but that's about it. Ex-wife Kim said Em wasn't well-endowed and, further, that he sucked in bed.

4. Dustin Diamond. Is anyone really surprised Screech used a stunt penis?

3. Daniel Radcliffe. When the Harry Potter star appeared naked on stage in 'Equus,' his penis shrank 'to the size of a hamster.' God knows what it looked like before.

2. Danny Bonaduce. The washed-up child star sports a d*ck the size of a baby gnat. And yet that hasn't stopped him from dropping trou. Over and over again.

1. Napoleon. The Little General, indeed. Supposedly, the general of France's penis was chopped off and, like the rest of him, boy, was it small.

enough said...


Lemondrop: By Andrea Zimmerman

                                    
                                        Well this makes cooking dinner a little more challenging...

Colorado Girls Know How To Spell Girls:)

I love Katie Perry's "California Gurls" but this was pretty damn funny from a Colorado girls point of view...!




"Colorado Girls" was written, directed and performed by Lauren Brady, Ian Rice and Josh Greenwood and friends.